I was talking to Dr. Judy Krings on the phone today. She’s in Puerto Vallarta now but she’s going to interview me on Carol Solomon’s radio show at the end of January. Both Judy and I want to help women experience and express their authenticity. And, we both like Phyllis Diller and Bewitched.
Anyhow, long story short, I was telling her about my art ‘therapy’ experience.
You see, I was at my friend Diana’s house, she’s a Science of Mind practitioner and she got a master’s degree from University of Santa Monica. We both want to heal our childhood beliefs that no longer work for us and art can be a great way to learn about yourself. So one night Diana and I painted in her living room.
She had some cool spiritual music on with a female vocalist and acoustic guitar. All the music was totally positive and empowering. But the moment I began to mix my paint my inner world was complete turmoil. What was the “right” color mixture? What was the “best” place to start?
I was so bound by rules that I could not enjoy the process of creation. I hated every line and berated every choice I made. That line “should have been there” and I “shouldn’t” have chosen that color. I wanted to run away from that painting. I wanted to throw it in the trash. I thought it sucked and I could give you a million reasons why. All I saw was one big flaw, a canvas filled with stupid mistakes and poor choices.
When Diana told me she liked my artwork and asked if she could keep it, I said “sure”. In my mind, “sure” was translated as: “you mean you’ll save me from having to throw this heap of garbage in the trash when I get home? Cool.” In my mind I was sure that Diana was “just being nice” and surely, she couldn’t be serious.
With all the inner exploration I’ve done over the years, I know that every thought in my mind during that process had nothing to do with the painting but everything to do with my inner landscape of thoughts. Everything I said to myself about that painting is a representation of how I felt at the moment. So, it was a painful realization of my thoughts and what I was creating. I realized that I’ve been so critical of myself that I haven’t allowed myself to enjoy the process. Therefore, it creates an unecessary struggle and often failure to get what I really want. Talk about a vicious cycle.
That art ‘therapy’ taught me to identify and ignore that voice that tells me I’m bad or wrong or flawed. It made me realize the importance of enjoying every experience as its happening.
Now, months later I feel sad that I abandoned my art and a part of me wants to get out the paints again. In the meantime, I’ll post my art here so I can come back and visit it and remember that valuable lesson.
P.S. If you’ve criticized yourself to the point of creative oblivion, my book From Sabotage to Success might help. It shows you the difference between self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and those that are self-enhancing. I make it easy to follow and every chapter has worksheets so you can make the experience your own.
Tags: art, authenticity, coaching, painting
