Get Galvanized

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I met the editor of The Ray at Kathe Scaaf’s workshop in Orange on May 3. Well, I saw Sierra again yesterday at the I Am Woman conference and we had a nice chat. I am so glad I discovered The Ray. As soon as I opened it up to read it I was like, “O-My-God.” Talk about a page turner. I literally read with a pen in my hand. I underlined stuff. I put notes in the margins. I want to share some of the highlights with you.

I was already pumped up by the ads before I even got to Sierra’s Editor’s Greeting because everything about this magazine is empowering. Toward the end of Sierra’s greeting she shared a question with readers that she asks herself when she’s evaluating relationships in her life. The question is: “is this relationship gaining interest, breaking even, or putting me in debt?” She empasized that sometimes the relationship that we need to evaluate is the relationship that we have with ourselves.

Flip just one page and you’re at an article by Byron Katie with Michael Katz titled Your Most Intimate Relationship. Here’s my favorite quote from that article, “The irony is that the struggle to win love and approval makes it very difficult to experience them. Chronic approval seekers don’t realize that they are loved and supported not because of but despite their efforts. And the more strenuously they seek, the less likely they are to notice.”

At the close of the article Byron Katie writes, “I don’t let go of thoughts, I question them and they let go of me.” You can find out more about Byron Katie at www.thework.com.

Flip only one more page and there is an article by Lenore Perry titled “Relationship Reflection”.

One simple quote in this article was VERY impactful for me. I thought about it over and over again even hours after I read it. Are you ready?

“I have heard it said that 5 years in a healthy, connected and deeply intimate relationship can undo a fair amount of the damage done in our childhoods. It can literally heal old wounds. That is why we look for people who have qualities reminiscent of the worst traits of our parents. We want another shot. And we get it. We see things in ourselves through the most unrelenting mirror.”

This SO describes my marriage. Only it has taken me 12 (not 5) years to figure out that my husband is not the enemy, I am. I have lived in the victim mind set for so long that I drew a picture in my mind of who I “thought” my husband was and I interacted with him as though my thoughts were the truth.

I had reasons to get stuck in the victim mode. An entire childhood of good reasons and lots of juicy stories. To illustrate, I might even post a blog of me with a broken arm when I was 2. You won’t believe how it happened. But here’s the most important point of all, I was 2 years old 40 years ago.

Part of the victim/”I gotta protect myself” mindset is that I thought I was so smart if I realized “he’s just like all the other guys.” I was “smart” by not listening to him. I was “smart” by pretending that I knew what was best.

I resisted and resented my very best tool in the world. I had it at my disposal most every day and every night for 12 freaking years. It was my way out of prison and I could not see it and I could not walk through.

If I was awake, I would have to acknowledge that my husband believes in me more than I believe in myself. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to be happy. But my own ingrained thoughts of fear, insecurity and mistrust prevented me from seeing the signs. Instead, I viewed him thorugh a filter of fear and insecurity. It’s as if there was a decoder between the two of us and by the time his message got to me, I jumbled it up in code and turned it into a nasty plea for victimhood.

I am just now ready to break out of the victim mode and be present in my life. Living in the past and the future has eaten up many years and lots of potential. I want to live my remaining days to the fullest.

I’ll write more about The Ray in an upcoming blog and I think I’m gonna post that picture. I want to create awareness of the impact of trauma and also talk about some ways you can heal.