I'm helping my friend with her doctoral dissertation. The important thing I want to say about it right now is that its on the topic of how Object Relations relates to eating disorders. I also need to say I read
A Course in Miracles everyday. The reason for the above two sentences will make sense in a moment. Especially if you know that both of these schools of thought believe that we create our reality based on our pain and fear.
I'm going to keep it brief because the truth is, I've got enough to say about this that I can post one blog a day for at least a year and not run out of topics.
In short, I've been a walking victim for 42 or more years and I made it all up. Here's how:
My mom and dad split up when I was 9 months old. He never wrote, called or sent child support. I made up a story about it. Here are the highlights:
*My dad doesn't love me
*If my own dad doesn't love me, I must be awful
*Nobody loves me
The rest of the story highlights are simply a reinforcement of above.
Well, according to the
Object Relations theory, an off-shoot of Freudian psychotherapy, I created my dad as a "bad object". He hurt me, he abandonded me so I made up a story that basically "men cannot be trusted". I stuck to the story whether it was true or not.
If I had a bad guy in my life, I used it as evidence. If I had a good guy, I made a point of turning him into a bad guy, even if I had to make it up.
According to
A Course in Miracles, we can't see reality because all we're seeing is a replay of our fears. The Course says we can surrender the illusion of fear to the Holy Spirit and have our sight restored.
So, that might have been what happened tonight.
Long story short, I have seen my dad in person 3 times. The last time was over a year ago when we decided to forgive each other and try to have a relationship. From that moment, the illusion began to crumble.
Tonight it came tumbling down.
After working on Sharareh's dissertation for 7 hours I came home and saw a book on my table. A book titled "
Victory Over the Darkness." A book my dad bought for me on Amazon.com and had shipped to my house.
It hit me. My dad is in my life now. He loves me. He wants me to forgive him. He drove across country to see me. But still, the remanents of the old story linger in the recesses of my mind.
Tonight, I thought: "What if I just let the story go right now?" "What if I had a new story about a miraculous reunification?" "What if this story could help me AND other people?"
That seemed logical. So I dropped the story and it felt pretty good.
P.S. If this story did help you, I would recommend that you subscribe to this blog because I haven't even begun to tell it. Stay tuned.
P.P.S. Above is a picture of me and my dad at Denny's last year when we met for the 3rd time ever and decided to forgive and let go.
I can't remember where I was or what I was doing the very first time I heard about a burning ceremony but I can tell you that I was desperate for freedom and willing to try just about anything.
"What is a burning ceremony?" you might ask. What does it have to do with painful memories?
The short version is that memories or old beliefs can run your life if you let them. Especially if they remain unconscious. Generally, when I person makes a significant amount of change in their lives in a short period of time, they will also find themselves face to face with their "issues." It's almost as if there is a Centurion at the door of the new opportunity you are trying to seize and before you can pass through the door, you must be willing to let go of something old.
Many of us are unwilling to make this exchange so we stay stuck.
I've found that instead of resisting change I would face it head-on and boldly. That's where the burning ceremony comes in. Basically, you sit down and write out all the old beliefs that have been holding you back in life. It can include fears, resentments, negative memories, etc. I recommend doing this with a trusted friend or Master Mind partner. Once you've come up with a nice long list, go someplace where it's safe to burn things. I usually go to the beach.
In the photo above I went to a beach without fire pits, so I bought a box of wooden matches and burned one for every belief I was going to "extinguish".
It's even funner to go to a fire pit with friends and light a big bonfire and ceremoniously throw a piece of paper for each belief you are burning then watch it go up in smoke and say goodbye to it forever.
Last summer, Ty and the Savvy Soul Sisters went to Dockweiler Beach and we threw pieces of paper with old beliefs into the fire to let them burn and turn into ashes and smoke before our very eyes. It is a symbolic exercise in letting go. If you have a lot of old beliefs and feelings holding you back and keeping you from feeling galvanized, I highly recommend this ritual ceremony so you can be free at last. 
